The Route Misdirection
by FLTTW
Summary: The gang go on a road trip. Tensions are high though, and fortune is not on their side. Contains Shamy and unnecessarily drawn-out plot points. Enjoy! Warning: Three instances of strong swearing and mild sexual references.


**This was originally a Big Bang Theory - Welcome to Night Vale crossover but I thought you guys might like an altered version. It's set in kind of an AU off 7x24. Any offensive statements from Raj or Sheldon are not supported my moi and are only there for the sake of the story. Your reviews are appreciated as they help me improve.**

**Enjoy reading, and thanks for your support.**

* * *

"I wish Leonard would close the damn window, _I don't know how but there are bugs frolicking_**_ in my eyes_**." I pretend to claw at my face for emphasis. I listen as Leonard sighs and looks at me derisively in the rear-view mirror.

"Sheldon, just move to the middle or put on sunglasses like I told you to. It's far too hot to sit in this car without ventilation." I look at my girlfriend, always the voice of reason. She seems to give me a sympathetic look and pats my leg, a bit too high for comfort. _Everything's just sex with you, Fowler, isn't it? _I quickly move her hand down to my knee. She looks offended by this. _I'm fine with your head on my shoulder, as it is now. But I'm not comfortable with **that **kind of physical contact yet__._

"Amy, I told you I'm not ready yet. Anyway, I _will not_ put on sunglasses. People might think I'm part of a gang from the shady underbelly of the crime world." Amy leans off my shoulder, her face is twisted into one of disgust. There's what seems like an enormous empty space between us now. She's almost against the other door, her seatbelt just barely stretching to accommodate her.

"You think the action of me putting my hand on your thigh can only be inherently sexual?! Sheldon, I'm sorry if I encroached a little too much, but you know I'm not good with understanding boundaries. And who would mistake you for a gang member in the middle of a desert? This is just like your 'No listening to music in the car in case we're mistaken for gang members,' all over again!" _Crap, she's angry. I thought she was angry. __How the hell am I going to resolve this? We still have three hours until we get to the motel. I'll__ tough it out until the second leg of the drive, tomorrow._

"Amy, I'm sorry. I'll stop complaining like a petulant child." I do the best 'I'm sorry' smile that I can and pat the seat to my left, indicating for her to sit closer. To my delight she does so.

"Game of I spy: Plastics Edition?"

She does her adorable little laugh and nods. I notice her perfect green eyes glinting as they're momentarily revealed to the sunlight. Wondrous gold flecks dotted around her irises, and if you aren't looking at just the right moment you'd miss them. _Fascinating__._

"Ladies first. You start." I say. _May as well be nice now that I've broken the calm air of the car.  
_

"Whilst I usually don't agree with special treatment and allowances according to gender, I guess I'll accept it this time seeing as it's you who said it. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with P." Her eyes dart down for a split second so I look down to see what she glanced at, knowing that it may be what it is she 'spys.' There's a seatbelt there. I grin deviously at her.

"A rookies mistake Dr. Fowler. Polyethylene Terephthalate."

"Uh huh, I knew by the time I looked that I'd messed up. Anyway, your turn."

"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with..." I look all around, out the windows, and on the floor to avoid making it obvious. "M."

She looks around too. _There are no plastic components beginning with M on the interior of this car. So if she has any sense, she'll figure out that it must be the acrylic glass covers of Howard's rear lights, just ahead of our car._

"Well, the majority of plastics inside this car don't begin with M. Is it inside _this_ car?"

"Oh I'm afraid I can't say. That is highly sensitive information Misses." _I'm not going to give anything away. I'm not going to give anything away..._

"Competitive to the end, huh?" Her beautiful eyes scan over everything inside the car again, as if it all was deceiving her, before moving her gaze outside. I'm getting more confident in such a obvious answer as time ticks by. Leonard and Penny, in the front, are excitedly twittering on about some reality show. She slaps my arm and I jump out of my tired daze.

"Methyl Methacrylate. Sneaky."

"Well done Amy. I never doubted you."

_"What the hell are you guys playing now?" _I see Penny turn in her seat, obviously not wearing her seatbelt. _One day you'll become a windshield cannon and have no one to blame but yourself._

"I Spy With My Molecular Eye, a much needed expansion to the neolithic game that is vanilla I spy." Amy speaks up. _Couldn't have said it better myself. _I smile at her the same way I did when she gave me the Death Star Cake.

"Oh...So I guess something to do with molecules in things...Enabling thousands of new answers..._Why do I even understand that!_ Anyway, go back to your game."

* * *

Amy and I play I spy for another thirty minutes before it becomes rather uninteresting. Now she's rattling on about something to do with work, and some recent discoveries. I can't really focus though, damn her and her insistence that tights would be too warm for Nevada. I know this is all because I'm attracted to her and I won't allow myself to do anything about it. Sure kissing and touching and other stuff like that are fine for now, but I know that one day - soon, by the looks of it - there'll be more that that between us. _Oh crap she's asking me a question._

_"...Sheldon, you alright? You look a bit zoned out."_

_Oh no, that's not the question you want to hear...Think of something!_

"Yes, of course. Just got distracted, thinking of a couple of conspiracy theories surrounding The Black Mailbox." _Probably not a good thing that I can sly my ass off to my girlfriend now._

"It _is_ interesting, isn't it? I can't believe we're finally heading to see it. I've dreamed about this for years!"

"And I can't believe it took us planning to go there for you to admit that you've wanted to go there ever since you were a little girl." _Good, I'm off the hook about not listening._

"Yeah! I just think we never got to that topic of conversation. It's surprising though, since we talk about everything...So, what's the theory or _theories_ you have in mind?"

_Crap. Crap. Crap. Think, Cooper, think!_

"...Well that depends..." I know I look far too startled now, and I rotate my hand in a circular motion as if it's a cog attached to my brain. _But she's really hanging on to every word I say..._

"...Do you believe it was the government that put The Black 'Mailbox' there or _beings not of this world?"_

Amy puts one finger up to me to stop me from talking further, even though I'm not because I'm waiting for her answer.

"Before I tell you my view on the matter, why don't we put the matter up for discussion with the ladies and gentlemen of the car?"

"The Lady and Gentleman of the car known as Penny and Leonard do not want to discuss the matter." Leonard answers quickly. _It's almost as if he doesn't want to hear our wisdomous insights..._

"It sounds like he doesn't want to hear our wisdomous insights."

"_Wisdomous. What an intriguing word. Are you sure it exists?_"

"Of course, I looked it up on Urban Dictionary. It's quite a comical read, do you know what a Thot is?"

"No, I don't think I've heard that word in my life. What does it mean?"

"Surprisingly, it means a Hoe." I can't help but laugh a little.

"Hoe as in a promiscuous man or woman, or the farming tool?"

"Hoe as in what my father would say; 'a floozy that's too loose in the booty.'" Amy laughs now. Her teeth are gleaming white and as in-line as a Military Graveyard. It's so graceful when she smiles and laughs, she never laughed when we first met.

"Hm...I can't choose...Wisdomous as our Word Of The Day?"

"Yes, I like the sound of that. Our first Word Of The Day defined in the Urban Dictionary. Thot for tomorrow?" I ask because the word makes me chuckle every time.

"No, It seems a little too hippy-dippy to accept." _She makes me sound like a free-loving flower child.__  
_

_"_Hardly a word used by the free-loving hippies of the sixties."

"Well...I guess it might help to modernize our blogs, bringing in more followers from today's youth."

"See? I knew you'd have brilliant justification."

"Of course. I _am **your**_ girlfriend, after all." _Not **just **my girlfriend._

"Yes, my _brilliant _girlfriend."

"Thanks Sheldon!" Wow, I made her really happy. I guess I've never actually complimented her before.

She's leaning closer...Then she kisses me! Just on the cheek though. I notice she had just put her hand on my shoulder for leverage, then as quickly as it's there, it's back to her lap.

I'm taking in her marvellous eyes again, she's looking back in my comparably droll ones.

_Still looking._

_Maybe I should kiss **her. **Is that how this works?_

But Amy looks away first, like always. I'm never sure how long eye contact with her should last, so I always overcompensate. _It's so hard to break with **her **though._

She's looking at Penny, so I rip my eyes away to look at the blond too. Penny's whispering something to Leonard..._Probably mocking me. _Amy turns back to me, she's leaning against the hot leather seat. I smile at her and she giggles shyly. _She's never one for tittering. But am I blushing? In my defense, the kiss **was** unexpected._

Amy looks out the window to her left. Howard's car's parked on the side of the road, we're turning in to park on in front of them. Amy and I look out the back window to see what's going on.

I can see Raj's head bobbing over the top of Howard's car, he's pouting as if he's annoyed. I assume he's jolting his bags out of the trunk. I never saw him get out.

After a minute he starts drearily dragging his bags towards our car, creating little dust clouds that stain the bottom of his pants. He stops momentarily to stick his tongue out at a withered-looking Howard and Bernadette.

It's quite dark, looking into the back of the car, because of the Sun Glare. But from what I _can _see, Emily looks disheveled; make-up smudged and clothes ruffled.

He gets into our car and slumps down in his chair, pushing Amy into my side.

The car gets back on the road.

After a moment Rajesh tells us about how he was kicked out by Bernadette for 'almost rounding the bases in the back of her husband's car.'

"It's not much better in here." Leonard replies and gives me a playful glare via the rear-view mirror, I shrug in reply. I honestly don't know what he's referring to. _Was it when Amy kissed me? That was hardly M-Rated material._

"Oh Cow, ShAmy love-in?" Raj remarks.

"Hardly. **_Leonard stop exaggerating._**" I snap. Really, it wasn't _Emily _levels, so I don't know what in the world he's talking about.

"**_Don't sensationalize it or_ anything.**" I say with a dramatic roll of my eyes, even though he's not looking at me. _Why am I not dropping the topic? But __I'm really getting the hang of this sarcasm thing._

"But with you it doesn't even have to be physical...you guys do it with your _eyes. _Sometimes I feel dirty just looking into them." Leonard's view switches from Amy and I then back to the road again.

Penny and Raj chortle as if they know exactly what Leonard means. Then the ex-waitress twists around in her chair.

"And Sheldon's like 'I have no idea what the hell this is but I like it!'"

Raj puts his hand on Amy's knee to pull himself out of his low position. _Probably to be on a more sociable conversing level with the car...But still, for anyone, that's encroaching on personal space. I shouldn't get jealous, I've been reprimanded on so many occasions._

"Then Amy's all like 'I would do so many things to you!'" The Indian then remarks in his _annoying and generic Indian accent. _

"Hey Gandhi, that's enough. I think if you go through Nipton there's an AT&T call centre in Bullhead City. We can drop you off there. I don't think there are many sweatshops until you hit Mexico. If you're low on cash we can drop you off to pick some desert flowers and let you sell them on the side of the road. You just might be able to find an elephant that can cross its hind legs and raise its front ones at the nuclear power plant out west." _That got a little out of hand...__Christ I haven't been that racist since I was 15._

Everyone looks shocked. Even Leonard quickly glances behind him to see if I actually said that.

"Now Raj, that's racism." _Ugh, Leonard. We don't need your review of everything I say. It seems like I've destroyed the calm, banterful atmosphere though._

"Wow, Sheldon. Low blow. _Racism_. Not like I haven't heard it my _whole_ life. And for a man with a teensy and exhausting grasp on sarcasm, you seem to have a perfect grasp on putting down minorities. But I guess you _were _raised in the gun-swinging south, with their holier-that-thou attitude, their ramped earth-raping and inbred alcoholic trailer trash." _Ain't nobody saying that about the lone star state._

"I'm sure the people of your homeland will be delighted with your guiltless consumption of beef. And of course your parents are comfortable, thinking that you haven't come out of the closet after all this time." By now Penny's face-palming so hard I'm afraid her face is going to cave in.

"Well I'm sure your abusive daddy was proud of the extremely manly son he failed to raise. I'm sure he died happy knowing that he fathered a crazy, dog-fearing, germaphobic bastard who _nobody_ wants in their lives. Or how he can barely lift a computer tower, or that he's still a virgin."

I sit silent and I can sense everybody waiting for a response, though they can all tell Raj cut pretty deep.

_My father **was** proud of me, he said it to me once...And what the hell? My father never lay a hand on me, only one or twice when I was really out of hand. Leonard must have told him all way back in 2009 when he was convinced he'd figured me out. _

_Nobody wants me in their lives? Of course they do, I'm a delight. My meemaw always said; 'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.' Should these people not matter to me? Surely Amy doesn't mind...She matters to me. __And why the hell would he bring up all that other sensitive stuff. Cooper don't tear up now..._

_"__Leonard stop the car." _

He sighs and does so. _He minds. _

_Maybe he shouldn't be part of my life. But in the ten years that I've known him, I've changed so much. It's because I platonically __love him, he was the perfect friend for me, and I didn't want him to go because of something small. Anyway, Raj has made me think of so much that I can't possibly sit in a car with him for the next couple of hours._

I angrily grab my bag off the floor and get out of the car.

Before I close the car door I lean back in.

"Fuck y'all, I'm from Texas."

I'm walking over to Howard's car now, that parked behind Leonard's when we pulled over.

_Dear Lord, I'll have to sit with Emily. More talking. About myself. We've never talked one-on-one. That means I'll have to listen. And now that I think about it, I've left Amy with Raj...But he has Emily. Not in the same vehicle though._

I ask Howard if he would let Raj back into his car and Bernadette interrupts, telling me; 'not until he's castrated.' I _will not_ tolerate Raj any further so I get into the car.

Emily takes out her earphones and looks up from her iPad.

"Oh. Hello Sheldon, I thought Raj was getting back in. Not that it's a bad thing, I'd love to get to know you a bit."

"No talk, woman. I had enough of that with your little Asian toy-boy." I grab my phone and put in my earphones to hastily avoid conversation. I notice my residual anger makes me sound like my father.

"Okay...A bit Redneck...But okay." She snickers and twangs out a couple of bars from something. After a beat I recognise it from Deliverance, The Dueling Banjos. _Great, I can't even escape stereotyping in here._

"Look who's talking about _Red._" _God, I'm being horrible today. _After that I go back to my phone.

Emily groans and goes back to whatever she was doing before.

* * *

It's been hours. My phone's running down somethin' fierce. Shouldn't we be at the service station by now?

"Howard, shouldn't we be at least at the service station by now?"

"Sheldon, don't worry. I've got it under control." He does a little gliding motion with his hand. He seems a little off.

"It's been _six _hours since we set out, the sun's going down. We should have arrived at the motel an hour ago." I hold my phone up in the rear view mirror for emphasis.

"_Sheldon. _Don't worry."

"You seem a little tense, are you experiencing any travel related bowel disorders?"

Emily takes out her music as if she's about to talk. We're all silent for a second.

"Tex is right actually, it should be getting cooler as we go north, but it's getting warmer. We didn't even hit any traffic or red lights leaving California so we should be _ahead _of our meticulously planned schedule. And you said 'I've got it under control,' as if _you_ messed up, yet Leonard's been leading for the last two hours."

There's quiet for a moment and I use the time to nod a thank you to Emily for her support.

_Howard's taking his time._

"...I may have taken a wrong turn a while back..."

"**_A while back!?_**" Bernadette, Emily and I yell at the Engineer.

"_You do realise we could be hundreds of miles off course by now?_" Bernadette screeches.

"...I didn't want to say anything...It was kind of embarrassing because I got left and right mixed up..."

"Howard, this is why you don't have a doctorate." I reply, although I don't think anyone hears me over Bernadette's squealing.

"_Howie, what are you?_ _**5?!**" _**  
**

"It-was-confusing-the-sign-was-then-I-panicked-and-chose-the-most-convenient-one-and-Leonard-didn't-phone-to-correct-me-so-I-just-hoped-for-the-best." He rushes through in one breath.

"Well then stop the car, you dickbutts!" Emily screams and Howard immediately does so.

* * *

Now we're all standing outside, kicking our feet in the dust.

Amy's standing beside me, she looks uncharacteristically exhausted.

I discreetly take her hand and she definitely perks up.

Everyone now knows that Howard royally messed up.

"The sun's started going down and visibility is reduced significantly at night, stacking up chances of going off-road. Why don't we just sleep in our cars for the night." _Haven't did that since I was 15 either._

"Are you sure that's not too hippy for you, Sheldon?" Howard smiles and I don't understand why. _Is he making a joke? Well according to Raj, I am the joke._

"No, of course not. I did it all the way through my childhood, so It'll be a nostalgic experience...Without mean people throwing me into the desert for the night...Or just throwing me..." _George Jr..._

"Will it not be far too cold?" Raj interjects. _You're playing with fire, Sir._

"Sit down - not literally - Raj, I grew up in Texas."

"Here's this 'I'm from Texas, fuck y'all' thing again."

"Raj, if you're going to quote, me at least get it right."

"I apologize, 'Fuck y'all, I'm from Texas.'" Then he does a little mock bow whilst people look surprised to find that I actually cursed.

"But I'm from Mumbai. So you should consider that." The astrophysicist adds.

"Rajesh, this is dry heat, it's entirely different. Mumbai is an area of humid heat."

"Speaking about areas of humid heat..." Emily walks up to Raj and openly puts her arms around his neck. _She really is a skank._

"Just going to sleep in our cars until morning then?" Asks Leonard.

There's grunts, vocalisations and words of agreement. After this the group seems to naturally disband. Couples heading to chosen cars.

"And no sex in either car. _Raj and Emily." _The shorter physicist yells before going to lower the back of his chair until it resembles a bed.

"Seconded." I say and everyone follows.

* * *

Both the cars are parked to the side of the road. Fitting everyone into the cars was like Human Jenga. Though I must admit, Amy and I probably got the short straw. Howard and Bernadette's chairs are reclined. They're both on their phones, _even though there's no reception this far out. _The age of conversation is dead, though not between Amy and I.

We're in the back. We can't put our seat back because of all the items in the trunk. Instead, I'm leaning on the door, Amy's head is on my lap, knees bent and toes touching the door. Penny told me years back that Amy tends to kick and shift during the night, so it's probably best to put her head on me lap instead of her _feet._

I'm stroking her hair and trying to watch the sunset in the right wing-mirror.

"...And as you know, when the neurons of the ventral tegmental area of the brain are active and release dopamine to other parts of the brain, the experiences as well as the sensory cues and actions that precede them will be associated with positive feelings. As you would expect, the monkeys given Metha-" She stop suddenly.

_Metha?_

I look down at her, questioning. _Why didn't she finish her sentence?_

She's looking up at me, grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

"What?" I laugh a little nervously.

"You never demanded for me to finish my sentence. Well done."

_Because of you._

_"Because of you."_

_"Aw!" _She pulls my head down, using all her core strength to push her up to meet my lips. It's similar to the kiss she gave me earlier, but on the mouth. That was pretty hot.

I really want to see the sunset with my own eyes, so I ask Amy if she would like to accompany me outside.

When we get out we flip open the trunk to fulfil an order of bottled water from Mr. and Mrs. Smurf.

Once our duty is done we're free to behold the sun quietly tucking under the horizon.

I suppose the position we're in right now could be considered romantic. We're sitting on the rim of the trunk, supporting each other.

_The sky's stunning._

"Isn't the gradient between the day and night sky the most lustrous shade of purple you've ever seen?"

"Dazzling."

"...Amy?"

"Uh huh?"

"Do you understand why people think my father was abusive?"

"It's pretty obvious once you know you. You hate touch, your father was an alcoholic, you said he would pot-shot your mother's china - he seemed pretty violent, and we've never seen your upper arms so...I think you get the picture...And why the big need to see the sunset?"

"I wish people would stop assuming. My father very loving. It's my brother you should condemn. And I would always watch the sunset when we went 'camping.'"

"I would love to have met your father, he seems like a very interesting man."

"He was. Look, Amy. I'm sorry about earlier."

"I know, but it's really Raj you should be sorry to. But you'll have lots of time to apologize whilst we try to figure out where we are."

"I guess I'll have to...But Raj said nobody wants me in their lives, is that true?"

"You and Rajesh said all those things in the heat of the moment, neither of you meant anything by them."

"But do you want me in your life?"

"Of course! You changed my life. And trust me, our lives would be a whole lot darker without you. We discussed it."

"Okay...That's good...Amy?" _Should I say this? It's a big commitment. But I don't want her to leave me. She needs to know that I want her to stay part of my world._

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"I...I lov-I would like to no longer consider the...Feelings...That I have...Concerning you...Not entirely...Platonic...As previously established."

She laughs and then looks a bit taken back by what I'm saying.

"Are you trying to say that you love me?"

"I think so."

"I love you too."

She immediately gets off the back of the car, taking off her dusty shoes before sitting in the back of the car.

It happens so fast that I'm rendered all but speechless, so I close the trunk and follow her.

* * *

Back in the car I'm still a bit baffled.

"What was that about?"

"Um...I don't know."

I raise one eyebrow it the hope that she continues and gives and explanation.

"I just think I was a little spooked, that's all."

"Oh, good. So want to get some sleep?"

"Can we just talk for a while? I don't feel too tired. I'm a possum, remember?"

* * *

We talked. I woke up and tried to apologise to Rajesh, telling him I was just a bit stressed, to which he replied, 'When are you not an asshole, cuddles.' I still don't know if he accepted my apology. I never meant what I said about sex being the only thing on Amy's mind. I've known for years that Amy doesn't want sex for the sheer pleasure and because of the animalistic urge, she simply craves the intimacy and wants to have an emotional connection with another human being. _When you put it like that it actually sounds like a noble cause._

I wish I could be more intimate with Amy. It's horrible, friends always telling you you're insane, or that you girlfriend must be a saint to be able to tolerate you. But now that we're actually making progress, there's a little more hope for us.

Hopefully tomorrow will be less stressful.

* * *

**I know it wasn't very good, but what can you do but learn from your mistakes.**

**I don't know if I should continue this. If I did, each chapter would be a day. Anyway, thanks for reading. Your support means so much to me. Squee squee.**


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